


Choices

by LoveLaughLive



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Rollisi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-11-25 16:10:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20914874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveLaughLive/pseuds/LoveLaughLive
Summary: Everything feels like its falling into place for Sonny with the new job and now he hopes with Amanda. Will Amanda feel the same way or will Sonny need to move on?





	1. Chapter 1

Walking down the hallway he couldn’t help but feel excited and a little nervous. It had been awhile since they have had a chance to hangout with his new job and the squad being short staffed. Luckily tonight their schedules synced and he couldn’t say yes quicker when she suggested dinner at her apartment. He has missed her, a lot. It wasn’t really a new beginning or fresh start but something felt different like everything had started to just click into place and he couldn’t help but hope that would include a next step for them. 

Rounding the corner he almost falls over when he sees him so casually closing the apartment door and walking towards him. 

“Hey Carisi, I hear congratulations are in order” Sonny nods and forces a smile. 

“thank you Al, I appreciate that”. It’s all he can get out, he feels like he has been sucker punched. Dr. Al is now causally coming and going from her apartment? He can’t help but wonder for how long. Are they dating again or did they even stop and he knows about his new job, so she is what… having conversations about him, the job, the girls. Sonny feels sick. 

Dr. Al smiles “I’ll see ya later” he says as he pats him on the back and walks past him leaving Sonny standing there stunned with no clue to as what just happened. 

He wants to bring it up, wants to know every detail no matter how much it destroys him. But when she opens the door she just smiles and steps aside to let him in and before he can even say anything she is retreating to the kitchen. 

“I should have let you cook” she tells him over her shoulder as she grabs a pot off the stove and tosses it into the sink. Steam rises as she turns on the water 

“That doesn’t look good Rollins” he can’t help but laugh.

She turns and glares at him “I ordered pizza, it should be here soon” she tells him. 

He starts to walk towards the sink to inspect her failed attempt at cooking but he hears little footsteps coming at him quickly.

“Uncle Sonny!” Jesse yells as she runs into his now open arms. “Hey Jesse, man I’ve missed you” he tells her as he adjusts her on his hip.

“Mommy started a fire” she tells him.

Amanda walks towards them reaching over to tickle her “hey, what did I tell you about tattle tails” she teases.

“Jesse ‘member i told you to keep your mommy outta the kitchen” he not so quietly whispers . 

Amanda gives him a dirty look and playfully slaps his shoulder “keep it up and no pizza for either of you” she tells them. 

Sonny gives Jesse a worried look then assures her it will be fine as he sits her back down. She runs over to the coffee table and grabs one of her coloring books. He looks up to see Amanda getting Bille out of the playpen and walking towards the sofa. He walks towards her and reaches for Billie then sits down bouncing her on his knee. Amanda sits next to him and hands her a rattle.  
“look how big your gettin” he sing songs at the baby who is now fascinated by the toy in her hand. 

“ugh don’t even say it” Amanda sighs “they will be teenagers before I know it” she leans back against the cushions. 

“Oh I can’t wait to see that. You with two mini Rollins talkin’ back” he can’t help but smirk at the thought of it. She bumps his shoulder and leans closer to Billie letting her wrap her little fingers around hers. 

“You gonna be around that long, big shot?” She tries to sound casual but he hears the crack in her voice. 

He tries to clear his throat and sits up a little still bouncing Billie on his knee. He can’t believe she even has to ask, he thought she knew him better then that. They don’t talk about whatever this is between them but its just known, right? Amanda shifts and looks back at him and his breath hitches. She’s worried, she looks almost…scared? 

“‘Manda you know..” A knock at the door grabs his attention and Jesse running towards it yelling “I’ll get it” grabs Amandas. 

“You wait for me missy” Amanda tells her as she hurries to open the door. 

Amanda heads towards the kitchen table with the pizza helping Jessie into her chair, he stands and brings Billie to the highchair. As Amanda grabs some baby food and gold fish to feed Billie, Sonny starts making Jesse a plate. He can’t help but smile at how comfortable the domestic routine is to them. She’s his best friend and sometimes he swears there is more there but now the Al thing has him so confused. He needs to ask her but doesn’t want to start a fight or worse scare her off.

“you gonna sit?” He hears her ask, he looks up and realizes he must of zoned out. 

“Yeah yeah just thinking” he says as he grabs a slice and sits down.

“A lot on your mind?” She asks. He can’t help but think her question isn’t as light hearted as she makes it sound. He shrugs.

“About earlier..”he starts and she stiffens and starts playing with Billie’s food who is eager for her to share. Ok so she doesn’t want to go there, he can do skim the surface its what they do best. 

“You know I’m not going anywhere..”he pauses just in case the opening is still there but she won’t look at him “heck with that 90 day return policy I may be back at the squad sooner then you think” he jokes. 

She smiles, turns her head to look at him “You’re doing fine” she pauses and he nods.

She stares at him like she is having an internal debate about something. She is fidgeting with Billis goldfish bag but doesn’t break eye contact, she sighs …“just give it time” she says and if he was any further away he wouldn’t have heard her. 

This is them, the what ifs and somedays never directly spoken but its there. “Yeah, I can do that” and she nods and her smile grows as she turns back to Billie giving her a bite of food. He wants to bring up Al but knows to leave it for now. She wants him around in the future in some capacity and for now that is good enough…for now.


	2. Chapter 2

It’s only Wednesday and its already been a crazy week. He has been going back and forth with the squad and the DA office. Sonny is hopeful the new evidence that Captain Benson has provided him with will be enough for his boss to give the go head for trial. He’s exhausted and can’t remember the last time he had a decent meal. He tells himself thats the price of taking on this new role, he is essentially starting over and has to prove himself. 

As he leaves Captain Benson’s office he scans the room looking for her, hoping he can just get a few minutes before going back to the office. He’s disappointed when she’s no where in sight and walks towards the elevator. 

“How’s the dark side Counselor” he hears Fin asks. Turning around he sees him coming from the break room. He feels a rush of excitement when he sees behind him Amanda smirking. 

Sonny walks into the break room “I’m still kicking” he jokes and Fin shakes his head leaving the room “for now” he smarts off. Sonny sighs and looks at Amanda. 

“He’s just messin’ with ya” she assures him, he nods and shrugs his shoulders. 

“It’s been a rough week” she says not really asking as she already knows the answer. It’s been a battle and Sonny has been in the middle of it all. 

“Yeah, it has…hopefully the surveillance footage will be what we need though” he tells her as he walks over to the vending machine scanning it looking for any distraction to not talk about this case anymore.

“It should be, its clear he was lying about being at the apartment” she’s getting defensive and he doesn’t want to go over all this again.

Sonny leans against the vending machine and nods. It’s been like this all week. He knows he’s not one of them anymore but the adjustment is harder then he thought it would be. Sometimes its like they forget that he is on their side and other times they forget he answers to a different boss. Or maybe its him who is being delusional thinking that he can have it both ways. 

“So you still good with Saturday” he asks hoping to change the subject.

He sees her eyebrows furrowed as she concentrates on something on her phone. He wonders if she even heard him as she seems to text back a reply. 

“umm yeah…wait what? Saturday?” She asks confused. Sonny stands up straighter and takes a step closer to her. 

“Yeah the park remember? I promised Jesse” he tells her. He’s getting impatient as she continues typing on her phone. 

“Oh, right…” she responds 

He waits because that can’t be her answer..she looks up at him then back down at the phone “um.. actually can we postpone” she asks. 

He feels defeated and he’s knows its ridiculous because she’s not canceling just postponing but it bothers him. It’s not helping that she seems to be more interested with her phone then talking to him. 

“Oh ok, umm..I mean we promised Jesse” ..he starts hoping the mention of her daughter may change her mind. She looks up at him and he can see she does seem to feel bad. 

“Well I guess you could still take Jesse” she suggests 

Sonny just stares at her waiting for an explantation. It’s not that he hasn’t done things with Jesse before but this its seems different. 

“Well yeah ok, I can…i mean if you can’t go” he says his confusion evident.

“I’m sorry, its just I have plans and I completely forgot to be honest” she tells him.

He doesn’t know why he says it maybe from the frustration of this week or because he’s been fighting back question since last week but he regrets it as soon as it comes out of his mouth. 

“Big brunch date with Dr. Al?” He tries to joke but cracks no smile. 

He thinks he literally sees her armor come up as she slides her phone in her back pocket.

“Why would you say that?” She asks. 

He’s not sure if its the fact that she isn’t denying it or her thinking he doesn’t know anything but he can feel his blood boil. He clinches his fist and slides them into his pockets trying to bide time. Trying and failing to calm down. 

“Well we had a nice chat last weekend in the hallway after he left your apartment” he tells her. 

He’s not sure why he lied about having a conversation with him but if she’s playing games he can too. He can see when it registers that they would have run into each other last weekend. 

“Sonny its..” She starts but at this point he can’t help himself.

“do you really think its a good idea, I mean he’s not a good guy ‘Manda” he tells. 

She just smirks and now she’s mad, this is not what he was wanting when he came in here. He just wanted to see her, to be near her. 

“I don’t think its any of your business” she tells him. Up goes the walls he thinks. 

“We’re friends right?” He challenges and she doesn’t answer “I’m just saying I know he has money and all but ..” 

He’s not even sure why he said it but its clearly a mistake and by the way she’s stepping closer to him he can tell this wont end well. Normally he would be fighting the urge to not reach out to her, fighting the notion to push a strand of hair behind her ear but right now all he wants is to have some distance between them. If she looked angry or even sad he would feel somewhat better but he sees no emotion what so ever on her face and that scares him more then anything. He knows he just witnessed her completely shut down and it kills him that he caused it.

“Do you really think that little of me…seriously Carisi” is all she says before walking out.

“‘Manda wait..” He tries but she’s already gone. .


	3. Chapter 3

Knocking on the door he felt like he was going to be sick. He didn't like fighting with her and even worse leaving things like they did. Honestly he wasn't sure if she would let him in but he had to try. He had promised Jesse and he didn't want to let down another Rollins.  
She swings the door open with Billie bouncing on her hip and a stuffed rabbit in her hand. She doesn't seemed surprised by his presence but seems to ponder her next move. After a moment she doesn't smile but she notions for him to come in and he does without hesitation.  
"Jesse is almost ready" she tells him as she takes Bille over to a blanket on the floor. He can't help but feel relieved that she counted on him to show up. It gives him hope that maybe she does know that he would always be there for her. He just nods in response not trusting his voice just yet.  
He's standing there awkwardly looking around the apartment for any sign of Jesse. Amanda doesn't seem concerned and just sits playing with Billie. He can't take the silence, he never has been able to keep quiet.  
"You know I can bring Billie too…if you need me to" he offers hoping she'll take his olive branch.  
She looks up at him and he can't breathe. He loves her like this..dressed in leggings and a hoodie. No makeup and hair just thrown in a ponytail, she seems so free and happy. He craves to be included in this daily normalcy with her and the girls.  
"Thanks but her dad is coming over to see her" she tells him  
Her Dad. Sonny can't remember ever hearing Amanda referring to Dr. Al that way before and unjustifiably it hurts to hear it. Apart of him wants to make a snide comment but her eyes seem to be pleading for him not to push it. He can't pinpoint it but something is off, she's almost unsure. Of him? Al? Sonny's not sure.  
"Ok, well maybe next time?" Sonny smiles and he can see her relax with his response.  
"Yeah he's making an effort" she tells him as she stands up and stretches. Sonny nods, again not sure how far to push it.  
"With Billie" she says, her olive branch.  
Sonny can't help but smile "thats good" he manages to say without too much excitement.  
"yeah? I wasn't …"she starts but is cut off with Jesse's loud entrance  
"I'm ready for Jesse and Sonny day" Jesse yells as she comes in twirling  
Sonny laughs and cocks an eyebrow at Amanda "she's showing you she dressed herself today" she whispers. Jesse stops and shows him her Mets t-shirt, leggings an pink converse shoes. Amanda shakes her head.  
"I bet that is hard for you" he laughs.  
Amanda goes to the closet to pull out a coat for Jesse "I thought I had thrown that shirt out" she tells him. He high fives Jesse "we have extra don't we Jess" he tells her as Jesse nods in agreement.  
\--  
Sonny pushes up the sleeves of his henley and squats down by the end of the slide. The cool breeze feels good against his skin. He can't believe how much energy one little person can have but Jesse has gone nonstop since they arrived at the park. Of course the ice-cream stop didn't help much.  
"Ready?" He hears her yell from the top of the slide.  
"I'm ready Jess" he yells back as he shows her his hands ready to catch her. She giggles and pushes herself down the slide. When she reaches the bottom he makes a show of it catching her and falling over into the gravel.  
"Whoa Jess, you were flyin'" he tells her  
She starts laughing as she stands and puts her hands out to help him up. He lets her "pull" him up then dusts off his pants. He catches a glimpse of some young mothers looking at him and smiling, he can only imagine what they are whispering about. He looks back at Jess who is trying to hide a yawn and he tries not to smile at how stubborn she can be, a lot like her mother he thinks.  
"You think we should head back home? I bet your mom is missing you right now" he asks as he picks their coats up from the ground. Jesse seems to ponder the question like she is deciding to have a debate or not.  
"Can we get hot chocolate first?" She asks.  
"Sure, we can get your mom a coffee too" he answers shaking his head at how much she is like her mom.  
He picks Jesse up and sits her on a nearby bench. "Lets get the gravel out of your shoes first, huh" he suggests. He takes the phone out of his pocket and sends Amanda a quick text letting her know they will be home soon.  
Tying up her shoes Sonny notices Jesse is staring at something with much interest. He follows her gaze to a young couple playing with a little girl her age. He notices she looks sad.  
"Hey Jess you ok" he asks.  
She looks back at him and smiles then pulls her coat sitting beside her onto her lap knocking his phone to the ground by his feet. Sonny squats down to pick it up but sees her wiping her eyes. His heart drops.  
"Hey what's wrong Jess" he asks placing his arms on both sides of the girl.  
He is now eye level with her and she looks at him, he instantly sees the sadness all over her face.  
"My daddy doesn't come play with me" she almost whispers.  
Sonny looks at her then glances back over at the couple. He takes a breath not real sure how to tackle this conversation. Has Amanda told her about Murphy and if so how much has she explained?  
"Billie's daddy comes and plays with her" she tells him as she starts playing with the zipper on her coat.  
Sonny pushes back her hair from her face "Jesse you know how much your mom loves you right?" He asks her hoping this will suffice since he isn't sure how much to say about Murphy.  
"Alot" she sniffles.  
"Alot " he scoffs "Jesse a lot isn't even close to it, she loves you sooo much, I mean like to the moon and back big" he tells her in big animated voice causing her to giggle.  
"Yeah I know" she tells him.  
He smiles then nudges her "and you know I love you too" he tells her.  
She puts her arms out a little "this much" she smiles knowing that she is teasing him.  
He shakes his head and stands up and stretches his arms as far as he can "what no way! More like this much times 100" he tells her.  
"times 100" she asks her eyes all big and mouth open.  
"oh yeah" he says as he squats back down. She hugs his neck.  
"I love you too" she tells him.  
She sits back and looks towards the couple then him "and Billie" she asks seemingly concerned for her sister.  
"Billie too" he tells her.."and mommy" she says not even asking but just making a statement. Is it that obvious he wonders.  
"Yes Jesse, I love all you Rollins girls to the moon and back times 100" he tells her causing her to laugh.  
"Thats a lot" she tells him and he nods in agreement.  
"You ready to get some hot chocolate" he asks letting her decide if she want to talk more about this topic.  
"Yeah mommy is probably missing me" she tells him.  
He stands "I'm sure she is and we better get this coat on you before we get home or she will be putting us both in timeout" he jokes.  
After zipping up her coat he leans down to pick up his phone and notices it showing end call. He feels his stomach flip when he sees the name on the phone "Amanda Rollins". He tries to think how this happened, did he call her or did she call him? He had text her then Jesse knocked the phone over, it must've hit the call button. He doesn't even want to think about it but knows he may not have a choice. He just shakes his head...time for coffee, hot chocolate and to face the music he thinks. What a week.


	4. Chapter 4

He doesn’t even have time to take a breath before knocking when they arrive back to the apartment, Jesse is kicking the door with her foot as she holds on to her hot chocolate. 

“Mommy we have coffee” she is yelling through the door. 

Amanda opens the door and whispers to Jesse “hey don’t yell your sister is sleeping”. 

Jesse gives her what he imagines is her normal sorry face. Amanda gives her a kiss on the cheek and leads her into the apartment. 

“It’s ok just be quiet ok..I’ve missed you today” she tells her causing Jesse to break into a huge smile.

“We missed you too” she tells her as she walks past Amanda into the living room to place her hot chocolate on the coffee table. 

Sonny can’t help but blush, if she didn’t actually hear their conversation the kid is about to recite it. Amanda looks at him and smiles.

“Ya miss me Carisi” she jokes. 

“Yeah I did…you know her energy level should be against the law” he teases hoping she doesn’t notice how nervous he feels.She has a good bluff definitely better them him. So trying to keep his nerves in check and figuring out if she actually heard his confession is going to be hard. 

“You’re telling me? It’s like that everyday” she tells him as she takes the coffee he is now holding out to her “thank you” she tells him before taking a sip. 

She walks over to the island and unplugs her phone. Sonny looks around the apartment trying to detect any sign of Dr. Al. 

“He’s not here” she answers his unspoken question. 

“I didn’t ask” he tells her and she laughs.

“Yeah you weren’t asking very loudly” she nudges him with her shoulder before walking into the living room and sitting down.

He blushes a little but is relieved that their banter seems to be back to normal. He knows he still owes her an apology and hates to bring it up but also knows she deserves it. 

“Hey ‘Manda, I want you to know that I’m sorry about the other day. I didn’t mean it, I know your not like that and I was just being…a jerk” he tells her. 

She looks up at him and seems to really take in his apology “I appreciate that Sonny” she tells him. He smiles then sits down in the chair and leans forward to sit his coffee down on the table. 

“Hey did you leave me a voicemail” she asks looking down at her phone. 

Sonny almost spills his coffee. Oh no, its even worse then he thought. A voicemail? So no denying she misheard something if she can just replay it.

“umm…” he starts trying to think of something that doesn’t require her to listen to the message. 

She cocks her head at him with an amused look. He falters, does she already know. Is she messing with him. 

“You didn’t listen to it?” He asks trying to sound nonchalant about it. 

She shakes her head “no not yet my phone had died earlier, forgot to put on charger last night” she explains.

Apart of him wants to jump up and down yet another part is disappointed. He wonders what would happen if he just owned up to it. He thinks about it but just leans back in the chair. 

“Oh, well I was just calling to let you know we were picking up coffee before heading back. You can just delete it” he tells her hoping it sounds convincing.

She tosses the phone onto the table “oh ok” she responds calming his nerves. 

The silence sits back in and he hates that they aren’t completely back to normal yet. She seems to notice it too as she takes another sip of her coffee and watches Jesse curl up on the sofa and rest her head on her lap. 

“You have a good day baby girl” she asks as she strokes the girls hair. 

“Best Jesse and Sonny day ever” she yawns

Sonny smiles as Amanda looks up at him “I think someone is tired” she tells him. 

“Yeah but we would never admit that” he laughs and Amanda just shakes her head no in agreement. 

“You have big plans today, I mean besides having the best Jesse and Sonny day” she asks carefully grabbing a throw off the back of the sofa to cover Jesse. 

Sonny shakes his head “not much really, tonight I said I’d join in for some drinks..us newbies at the office” 

“That will be fun” she tells him.

He nods “I guess, hey why don’t you come with me” he asks. 

She smirks “go hang with the DA’s office, come on’” she can’t help but laugh. 

He leans forward and mocks hurt “no, come hangout with your old partner Rollins” he tries. 

He was just joking at first knowing she would never go hang with a bunch of lawyers but now he can’t help but really want her to come. She looks over at him and he sees her face soften a bit. It gives him a sense of hope that she’s even considering it. 

“I don’t know Carisi doesn’t seem like my cup of tea but maybe if I can find a sitter I can stop by for ONE drink” she tells him holding up one finger to elaborate. 

He can’t help it, he knows he is smiling from ear to ear and giving away any casual coolness he thought he may have had going. Standing up he grabs his coffee off the table. He knows he needs to leave now so she doesn’t have a chance to change her mind. 

“Ok, I’ll see you tonight then” he tells her.

“I said if I find a sitter” she tries to whisper yell at him not wanting to wake Jesse. 

“I’ll text ya the address” he smiles walking out the door.


	5. Chapter 5

Sonny motions towards the bartender for another beer as he finishes up his current one. He looks over at the pool table as a couple of the guys from the office finish up their game. He pulls out his phone for what feels like the hundredth time tonight. He sighs looking at at his last text, a picture of a shot got one with your name on it he had wrote but no reply. That was after previous texts of the bar’s address and asking when the sitter would be there. He fights the urge to text her again. Doesn’t want to be the annoying drunk but she should text back though right? She usually responds, maybe something is wrong? He starts out another text when he senses her coming up behind him.

“Hey Counselor see you started without me” she teases as she slides onto the bar stool next to him. 

He slowly slides the phone back into his pocket then tilts his head and shrugs his shoulders. 

“Guy would die of thirst waiting on you” he smiles. 

She laughs and he motions for the bartender to get her a beer. 

“It’s not easy getting a sitter on a Saturday with short notice” she tells him as she takes the beer and takes a sip. 

“But here you are” he teases as he not so subtly looks her up and down. She cocks an eyebrow at him.

“And you are pretty drunk, huh?” She laughs looking over at the emptied bottles and shot glasses. 

He takes a swig of beer and nods “yeah I’ve been here for a while probably should’ve got some food”. She shakes her head “ya think?” She replies. 

She looks back over towards the pool table and nudges his shoulder with her own. 

“Your’e not being very sociable with your new colleagues” she teases. 

He looks over to them then back at her “your better company plus we’ve already played too many rounds” he tells her before motioning to the bartender for another. 

“Hey Sonny we are going to head out” he hears and turns to see his colleagues putting on their jackets. 

He wobbles a little bit as he tries to turn on the stool causing Amanda to laugh and casually put a hand on his shoulder to help him. 

“Hey guys, ok..before you go I wanted you to meet my old partner Detective Rollins” he proudly introduces her. He notices her frown but quickly plaster a smile before greeting them.

“Hi nice to meet you” she tells them they smile and introduce themselves. 

“Sorry we aren’t able to get a drink with you but its getting pretty late” he says, Amanda nods 

“No worries, I’m not able to stay much later myself” she tells them. This catches Sonny’s attention and he gives her a confused look. They say their goodbyes again and turn back to the bar.

“You’re already leaving” Sonny asks trying not to sound too disappointed but the alcohol isn’t helping with that.

She takes another drink from her beer “The sitter is a teenager with a curfew” she explains and he nods in understanding.

“Well I can walk ya, let me just use the restroom first” he tells her as he slowly stands from the bar stool. He sways a bit but manages to finish his bottle of beer.

“I’ll be impressed if you can walk to the restroom” she smirks. 

Coming out of the restroom Sonny leans against the wall and tries to get his bearings. He is more drunk then he realized. He tries to shake it off and make his way back to the bar. He slows up a bit as he sees her smiling at the bartender as he hands her a shot. He knows its probably nothing but he can’t help but feel jealous. As he gets closer he sees her pocket the napkin and swears he can see a phone number written on it. Damn he feels like an idiot obviously whatever he thinks is between them is just in his head. Why would she even come out with him if she had no interest, he just can’t understand her. 

She takes the shot as Sonny comes up to the bar, he doesn’t sit. “I guess I’m ready to go if you are” he tells her. 

She stares at him obviously confused by the tone of his voice. “Umm sure I’m ready” she stands and they both start walking towards the door. 

As hard as he tries he can’t help but sway when he walks, he definitely had too much to drink. She looks at him and smirks “maybe we should get a taxi” and he just nods. He doesn’t want to argue. 

Sliding into the seat he leans back and closes his eyes. He sighs and hears her give the driver her address. He opens one eye and turns towards her “Rollins..” He starts she just sits back and shakes her head “you can sleep on the sofa, I need to get back to the sitter and your too drunk to get home by yourself” she explains. He sits up “I’m fine..” He tries to argue but she just waves him off. 

Entering the apartment Amanda pays the babysitter then goes to check on Jesse and Billie who are sound asleep. Sonny takes off his shoes and stumbles over the sofa to lay down. Amanda comes in and walks towards the kitchen and gets a glass of water. She walks into the living room and sits the water down with a couple aspirin. 

“Here take these” she tells him. He groans and leans over and pops the pills and finishes the water.

She just stares at him. The shift in attitude isn’t lost on her and he can tell she is wanting answers. But he isn’t thinking straight and can tell he is on the verge of passing out. 

“I’ don’t think I’ve ever seen you this drunk” she tells him as she makes her way over to the closet to grab a blanket. He doesn’t respond just groans. 

He watches her reach up and grab a blanket and a pillow. “Why am I never a choice?” He asks.

He sees her freeze and slowly turn towards him. “What?” Is all she says in response.

He’s not sure why he said it. He can blame it on being drunk but apart of him thinks maybe its the only sober thing he’s been thinking tonight. 

“I’ve been here the whole time and its like you never even consider me..I mean Amaro, Murphy, the bartender, Dr. Al and again tonight another bartender…” now he is raising his voice and his hands are moving in sync with each name he points out. She just stars at him obviously not thinking this would come up tonight if ever..

”umm..”she starts but stops short and just shakes her head. She walks over and sits the blanket and pillow down then grabs the glass. He waits but she just stares at the glass like she’s hoping it has some answer for her. 

“I mean even tonight what was so interesting about the bartender whose number you took?” He asks now quieter remembering Jesse and Billie are sleeping. She almost laughs and he can’t help but glare at her for that.

“The bartender who I flirted with and got a free shot you mean?” She asks He just stares at her “and the number, you mean the one in the trash back at the bar?” She questions. 

He just shrugs “I just seen you pocket it …not throw it away” he tries to defend himself from what he isn’t sure. Somehow he feels like this conversation shifted in a direction he didn’t want.

Where is this even coming from Carisi, I thought we were good?” She asks but doesn’t seem to be able to look at him. 

He sighs “Yeah, good..” He says sliding further down the sofa. He’s too drunk for this, he can’t think clearly enough. She makes her way into the kitchen to fill the glass. 

“You’re right Rollins I’m sorry…”he slurs. “You’ve made it clear time after time. You made your choice and I was just being too stubborn to accept it will never be me” he sighs and closes his eyes. Amanda stands at the back of the sofa, she wipes a tear that was threatening to fall. 

“Sonny…You were never” she starts walking towards him but sighs when she sees he is now passed out. She sits the water down and pulls the blanket up over him before retreating back to her room.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for the views/kudos. This was my first fanfic and I really appreciate the encouragement. I do love the Rollisi world so I will probably be posting more stories soon.

A truck..no a bus, had to be a bus that ran him over last night he thinks. Sonny slowly rises and tries to sit up. His head is throbbing but at least he doesn’t feel like throwing in up. That’s a good thing right? He looks around and tries to take in his surroundings, thats when it hits him. Amanda’s apartment, the bar, the many drinks and did he ask her why not him? Ok now he might throw up. He gets up and heads towards the kitchen, he needs water. A quick drink then he should just sneak out before anyone gets up. He downs the first glass then fills another, why did he have to drink so much. He turns around and almost drops the glass when he sees her. Standing in the hallway looking at him but she’s not really paying attention to him she has her phone and seems to be listening to someone. He wonders if he could still sneak out..no its too late now he just takes another drink and sits it on the counter. 

She looks at the phone then at him and he is concerned when he sees the tears in her eyes. Automatically he is walking towards her. 

“Amanda what’s wrong..” He asks 

She walks towards him meeting him halfway “to the moon and back” she almost whispers. 

It confuses him at first…”what?” He asks then it hits him, the voicemail. “Amanda I can explain” he tells her. 

He’s not really sure what he means by that. What is there to explain really other then the fact that he is in love with her and basically admitted it to her daughter before her. She doesn’t give him a chance though before he can respond she steps closer and slides her hands around his neck as she crashes her lips to his. It only takes a moment for him to get past the surprise and him respond. He moves backing her up against the island before he lifts her onto the counter. They break both trying to catch their breath, he places his hands on each side of her but keeps his forehead against hers not wanting to lose the connection. 

“Amanda….”he starts 

“I didn’t delete the voicemail” she tells him 

“Should’ve known…when have you ever listened to me” he jokes 

She smiles and tilts her head up pulling away slightly but keeping her hands around his neck. 

“With you…I never had a choice..” She tells him 

She runs her hands down his shoulders then moves them to rest onto his hands. 

“the way you…” she starts and he just waits. He knows this isn’t easy for her. 

She sighs “The way you make feel…I wasn’t not choosing you, it was always you it has been for a while. there was no choice”. 

Amanda takes another breath, he can tell she is fighting the urge to shut down and is thankful they are finally at a point where she is choosing to trust him. 

“I just..its..Sonny you could destroy me” she tells him now looking down at their interlocked hands.

“Hey…” he says and leans closer to get her to look at him but she doesn’t look up. 

“Amanda please look at me” he pleas squeezing her hands, she slowly looks up and he can see the fear. 

“I would never hurt you” he tries to assure her. she shakes her head “you can’t promise that” she tells him. 

“Yes I can..and just so you know you could destroy me too” he tells her. She looks up at him and sighs “There is a lot to lose” she tells him. He nods not disagreeing “Yeah but think what there is to gain” he smiles hoping not to lose this..whatever it is right now.

Again he waits, the ball is in her court. He can feel his heart beating rapidly, and his hangover long forgotten. His nerves have taken centerstage. She moves her hands back up around his neck and he lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. 

“to the moon and back?” She smiles and he can’t help but match her grin.

“times 100” he tells her as he leans forward and kisses her, its less frantic this time. Because now he knows..there is time. Because when it comes to needing each other, loving each other neither one of them have a choice.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic ever. I have more to the story if you feel like its worth continuing..


End file.
